I eat men like air

Lady Lazarus is the moleskin notebook of a friend of a friend. it's nice to hear specific stories similar to your own life instead of simply being told, "I know what you're going through," and, "you're not alone, everyone's been there." generalizations don't help.





what use am I as a heap on the floor

why do you let me stay here

I want to take a roll of film of everything: people, places, buildings, animals. when it's done I want to roll it to the beginning and shoot it again, but only of daises. I want to cover everything with a thin layer of green grass and daises.

I always freak out about how much work I have to do whenever I actually have to do work. it always ends up that it's really easy and not nearly as bad as I thought. you'd think after years of school I'd figure that out and stop worrying. no one else seems to stop worrying though, I'm probably just following their example. that sucks, why should I have to worry just because no one else can handle themselves?

I can't sigh and huff. every time I try I end up coughing. I've been noticing how much I sigh and huff. it's a lot; usually at my mom.

on days I feel depressed it's frustrating telling people that. they interchange depression with sadness, and don't understand the key difference between them. people are sad for reasons, depression is unjustified aside from something being wrong with brain chemicals. I don't know, maybe I am just sad and don't know the reason. maybe I'm just a bitch. old habits die hard when you got a sentimental heart.

I don't understand why I can't take photos at the MOMA. well, I did anyway, but from my waist. they actually turned out pretty well, and it's a technique I've never really given any respect. I definitely want to explore that some more. also double exposures. and dyptichs. and composite panoramas. and composite single images.




She & Him are my new favorite band. it's like my dad's songs I grew up with, but my version.

I wonder how much of the stuff I'm paranoid about is actually real. I guess I could never know, because it's impossible to see the truth when you suffer from schizophrenic paranoia. I think I have that sometimes. mildly.

everything my mother says I either already know, or is completely irrelevent and don't care about, or both. she makes me want to scream, smoke a cigarette, and go back to therapy, three things I've been able to live without, and maybe even happily until she started talking to me again. it's not that I want her to stay sick, but the fact is since she's gotten better I've gotten worse. I can't keep starting and ending every day like this.



you really got a hold on me

Serenity now

a movie hasn't made me cry in years.

River is one of my favorite characters of all time. possibly my very favorite.




I am a leaf on the wind. watch me soar.

not as easy as it used to be

three options for the new Indiana Jones movie:
1. make it good- very hard, almost impossible
2. make it bad- very easy, and very likely if option two is attempted
3. make it incredibly and awesomely bad and amazing- DONE

going to the Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull midnight showing at the California was definitely a good decision. everyone was so into it, they all laughed and pointed and groaned at every hilariously ridiculous and shockingly unbelievable part. I couldn't even begin to describe all the amazing things that happened, and if I did you wouldn't believe me, you have to see it for yourself. be prepared to be yelling, "what?! aaaah! what?! what the fuck?!" for almost the entire time. it's that amazingly bad. it makes me just want to smile gigantically and say yessssss.



swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home

add art

I just added this great plugin for firefox called Add-Art which replaces corporate advertisements with art. once I installed it I went to my flickr and instead of some ad for nikon, I saw this:

it made me so happy.



singing songs she's always known

dresses, dates, and other things that start with d

I got a dress. it's from macy's, which is dumb, but it's a really nice dress and it turned out it was on sale, so I'm juiced.

also, Adrian Lee asked me to prom. he did a public proposal last week which was really awesome. him and Moses who was also doing it for his girlfriend set up their amps and drums and sang Island In The Sun by Weezer. I might be a little biased, but I think it was the best one so far, and they should totally win the free tickets.



who am I to blow against the wind?

as a whole

The Con- Tegan and Sara

This is one of my favorite albums right now. I've found that individually I'm not a big fan of about half the songs. I always listen to it as an album though, because together they all work together so well. I think it's amazing that all the songs were written by either Tegan or Sara while they were living in their own home. they didn't communicate about individual songs at all, yet the album fits together incredibly well.

...Until We Felt Red- Kaki King

by listening to this as an album, you get an idea of what Kaki is really capable of, and how much skill and talent she has. she puts so much thought into each note of each song, and it really shows. it's interesting to listen to even though many of the songs are instrumental. You Don't Have To Be Afraid is my favorite song, it shows you how much she can do with just one idea, how creative she can be creating different versions and variations using the same concept.

Fisherman's Woman- Emiliana Torrini

this album is so melancholy. it gives off a very eerie calming vibe. part of what makes it so great is the story behind it. her boyfriend was shot in a tragic accident. afterward she would pretend that he was a fisherman, and she was his wife, always waiting for him by the window, not knowing when he would come home. the title track, Fisherman's Woman, is about that, and is one of the only songs that makes me want to cry each time I hear it.

The Garden State Soundtrack

I listen to this every night to fall asleep. this is another album where I don't like many of the individual songs, but love how they all work together. some of the songs on it that I do like, however, are some of my favorite songs ever.

living in the moment of the girl who left too soon

on a sunny afternoon

I felt summer today. seasons have a really specific feeling to me, and usually one day I'll just feel it. sometimes I wake up and say, I can smell winter. today I felt summer. it's hot, but not just any hot, it's summer heat, and I love it. except for the fact that I'm really hot. and sweaty. I burned the bottoms of my feet again walking bear foot on the pavement. I want to go swimming outside, maybe I'll do that this weekend. I hope it stays hot for a bit.

smile like you mean it.

by mirjan



on a summer evening when the corn's head-high
and there's more lightning bugs than stars in the sky
ah, you get the feeling things may be alright
on a summer evening before the dark of night

hotti with a botti

Whitney has been my favorite since the beginning of america's next top model this year. she is the only plus size model, and also one of the only sane girls int he house. she made it to the top three, which is incredible. no plus size model has ever made it nearly that far. it's sad to see most of the plus size models break down about their bodies, and have to leave because they have no confidence. I'm always thinking no! break the status quo! embrace your curves, you're beautiful! Whitney has stayed strong this whole time, she's never let her body worry her. she really doesn't have to, she's totally hot and has a slammin' bod! we're rooting for you Whitney! beat those skinny crazy bitches, we're ready for a top model with a good head on her shoulders and a little pow to her punch!

(the guy in the photo has a Stuart angry face!)




Nigel: [about Jade] if conceited drag queens are "in", she's got a shot at being America's Next Top Model.

also, I can kill you with my brain

I'm sick. really sick. haven't been sick like this since eighth grade. my fever peaked, hopefully, at about 103. been back and forth between shivering and sweating all day. started to show signs of delusion at one point, something was happening with my hands, I can't describe it, but I tried to cool off enough so that my brain would stop cooking itself. let's hope it stays that way. been watching Firefly. I have to cut myself off because I want to finish it with Laura, and I know if I watch even one more episode I won't be able to resist. she better get back soon, it's soooooooo good. I haven't gotten into a show like this in a long time. I think that a combination of that and Kaki King's ...Until We Felt Red is what's keeping me sane right now.



you give me fever
fever all through the night

dodo demo

every girl wants a boy to write a song about her. well not every girl, but it's generally accepted as a grand romantic thing, something you tells your friends and they all go, "awww." about a year ago, Max wrote a song about me, which he just recorded and put up on his band's myspace. it's not really anything like that sweet cliché stuff though, it's more of an example that I use when I talk about what a jerk he was. after the last time we were really together, he told me was going to write a song for me about it. I wasn't too pleased when I read the lyrics he came up with. first of all the title is "So Much For The Hero." that pretty much describes the whole song. it's all about him, and what a horrible thing we did, and how ashamed he is of me, but how no one should judge him because he's still a good person and it was all my fault anyway. he blames the whole thing on "that look you gave me." Max, if you were willing to compromise what were apparently all of your morals because I gave you one sexy side glance, how much of a hero were you in the first place?
all together the song doesn't really make any sense, even knowing the context it's all over the place, very unfocused, and the musical composition is sketchy. then again, what can you except from a band named Foolsville Heroes? I might be a little bit biased, so if you want to listen to it yourself their myspace is myspace.com/foolsvilleheroes.



"don't have to save me
that look you gave me
worked after all"

it's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it.
look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying. say the first thing again.

lavender moon

be nice to me, I gave blood today.

I didn't pass out this time, but I probably almost did so they wouldn't let me leave for an hour.

and why yes, that is a California College of the Arts shirt I am wearing. that's right, it's official. now people won't make fun of me anymore for dressing like this.

I got my scarf and glasses from fredflare.com this week. I'm pretty excited about it.

not only is everything on the website super rad, but the people there are too. you can ask them to draw you stuff in the special instructions section. they have a bunch of them up on their flickr.

this was my order. I thought it was appropriate considering what I was ordering.




I met a girl who sang the blues

H is for Holy Crap

my favorite illustrator right now is Marc Johns. his work may appear like little doodles, but as I was going through his flickr I kept gasping in amazement with each new image; they are consistently some of the purest concepts, cohesive, and creative ideas I've ever seen. his words:"I generally aim to say as much as possible with as few elements as possible. My work often leans toward humour. Finding the humour in things often leads to finding the truth."











you been messin' with my mind, to waste my time is most unkind
I got better things to do than to play these pointless games with you

Flight of the Picas

1 stubborn bitch + 1 wacom tablet + photoshop + 30 hours of work=


I drew it all by hand. the background and text alone took 20 hours.

click to see them larger

Kina also made an amazing ad with the other half of the class "Pushing Daisies" style. I'll post it later.

so yeah, we finished the yearbook today!



picas is a unit of measurement

bum sex in a hot tub

I saw Tegan and Sara again, this time at Davis. I was very unsatisfied with the seat I was assigned when they were at the Zelarbach last December. Turtle and I were able to weasel our way to the front with only one or two people in front of us. the concert was excellent, much better than their last show, everything that happened between the songs was hilarious, and we could actually see!
Sara wore a visor with a shark on it during the encore to apologize for her comments about the Calgary Flames beating the San Jose Sharks in game seven the next day, though that kind of blew up when she reiterated her belief again during the apology. I love them anyway.

game seven was yesterday. San Jose won. yey Sharkys!




dark you can't come soon enough for me.
saved from one more day of misery.

eating stars VII

random thoughts between the hours of 8:24 and 10:24 PM

8:24: I love singing. right now I'm singing with Amanda and Abby and Jesca hoop in Feel From the Outside in. it's so pretty. I'm going to sing in the city with Stuart.

8:25: the key board feels like a mountain under my hands growing upwards. like from earthquakes or something

8:26 This song is so long

8:26: you'd except Sledgehammer to be more intense.

8:31: so not intense. I had no thoughts during that whole thing.

8:32: the Roches have such amazing voices

8:32: I started typing boyfriends instead of voices.

8:46: I'm so bad at guitar right now

8:51 I'm having that thing where I can't type and keep repeating mistakes.

8:54: JNS722 (8:54:09 PM): it's going to be amaamamamaamaaamzing

8:59: the E chord sounds so sad, but it's supposed to be so happy. or maybe I'm tuning it or playing it wrong.

9:14: I so can't hear my guitar properly right now.

9:15: the key board still feels weird

9:17: I wish I had nice problems. but I'm still paying my dues

9:20: I would let her do my senior portraits. http://www.flickr.com/photos/breathoflife/

9:22: I'm afraid to lie down because I'll fall asleep

9:23: I love it when music can make me move like that

9:27: I'm dancing among the stars

9:31: luckily, all the cool girls are lesbians.

9:32: (that seemed so long)
I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now what I was stronger.

I used to think that a lot
but lately I haven't.
this is a great time

9:35: I wonder who really reads this

9:37: why is my neck so weird

9:37: why is this taking so long
but so short

9:39: O MAN I WANT DESSERT SO BAD

9:40: I'm getting food

9:41:JNS722 (9:40:49 PM): i want food
ElizaLoaiza (9:40:58 PM): ohhhhh
ElizaLoaiza (9:41:03 PM): I think
ElizaLoaiza (9:41:05 PM): I want
ElizaLoaiza (9:41:13 PM): stapler
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

9:41: hello, my name is Esteban de la Sex Face. that means Steven of the Sex Face.

9:42: there once was a rapping tomato
that's right I said rapping tomato
he rapped all the way from april to may
and also guess what it was me

ok getting food now. I keep typing good instead of food. I did it again! food is good.

9:45: I got semi sweet chocolate chips. so many.

9:47: o my god so many

9:50: o man maybe too many

9:54: how does everyone know this song is about lesbians, how can they tell? why is this song so long! I was so sure it was over!

9:55: so long

9:59: ElizaLoaiza (9:57:52 PM): moo
JNS722 (9:58:21 PM): baa
JNS722 (9:58:29 PM): guess what i am
ElizaLoaiza (9:58:34 PM): GOOOT
ElizaLoaiza (9:58:41 PM): MEOOW
JNS722 (9:58:56 PM): what's a gooot
ElizaLoaiza (9:59:01 PM): remember
ElizaLoaiza (9:59:04 PM): mom said goot
ElizaLoaiza (9:59:08 PM): instead of goat
JNS722 (9:59:18 PM): i'm a sheep
ElizaLoaiza (9:59:27 PM): well I'm a kitty
ElizaLoaiza (9:59:29 PM): and I ate you
ElizaLoaiza (9:59:49 PM): and then a kitty poacher killed me
ElizaLoaiza (10:00:06 PM): oh wait i went out of order

10:01: people don't understand what it's like.

10:05: I finished the chocolate chips

10:08: Jethro Tull

10:11: I think she's in the sea for part of Hide and Seek

10:12: then by a street

10:13: then going into a cellar

10:14 still so long but so short
especially

10:16: I miss her. still.

10:21: yes

10:22 I kinda miss the chocolate chips. and this is taking a while.

10:22: o no! it's 24, I thought it was 26!
I'm almost done! this is one of my last ones!

10:23: well, adu, I hope this will be enjoyable

12:24: once upon a time there was
moses
yes. the end.



that took so long. but kinda fast actually.

flower kisser part II

today the baby humming birds flew away. I took this about a week ago, and by now they could barely both fit in the nest, less than the length of my pinkie finger.





they could float above the grass in circles if they tried

even second violin, which should just not happen

my boss showed us this at the cafe over the summer when we were listening to classical radio one day. if I could write, I would write a song to these chords.




this town seems hardly worth our time

the smell of ink

my idea for my first tattoo is a scribbly scratchy stylized silhouette of a crow flying in profile. it would be on my inside upper arm or the inside of my foot. this morning I thought of my second. I've always wanted something that would be really cohesive, like part of my body. one of my friends has three feathers across the top of her foot, and then feathers going up across her hand and arm. she got the inspiration for it from a painting by one of her favorite artists. I started to think of some of my favorite pieces of works, and almost immediately came to mind a new piece from one of my favorite photographers on deviantArt and flickr, Mirjan. she creates amazing self portraits, with some of the most original and creative poses and and concepts I've ever seen on these websites. one of her newest series was immediately one of my favorite from her, and the inspiration for my new tattoo idea. two fallen leaves going up my chest and neck. this is obviously not something I will rush into, it's a very large idea, and I'm definitely going to think about it for a year or two.




while writing this I also had another idea for a tattoo, the lone cypress going up my lower to middle back. the lone cypress on the 17-mile drive is the most photographed tree in the world, and it is also my mother's (who's name is Tree) favorite tree. her favorite necklace is one of the lone cypress that her mother gave her when she came out to visit sometime before I was born. my mother's camp name is also cypress. with this idea I could unify all my ideas, by having cypress leaves, and crows in or flying around the tree. (plus it kinda looks like the African trees in the Lion King)






leafs.

canned goods

uncalled for...




what if she never comes home

air bears

Joshua Allen Harris from SVA got the idea from seeing the subway air blow around some plastic garbage. you can now see carefully constructed plastic inflatable polar bears all over New York.





I think I figured out a way to make my own prom dress

not chewing, popping

start popping



when's she coming home

cellar door

I love photography. no matter how depressed I am, I can always create something happy.


Tree Kisser



afraid of the time on my hands

gay sons of lesbian mothers

I saw Kaki King at the Great American Music hall with Stuart on tuesday. I had only heard of her a few days before, but I'm officially hooked. here's her newest video, which they made with over 5,000 still photographs and a bunch of light animators. wow.


the guy who opened for her was pretty good too. his name is Matt Sheeshy. Stuart and I were talking to him after the show, and he asked us where a good place to play is in Berkeley, so hopefully we'll get to see him again at the Ashkenaz pretty soon.




I won't act like a lady as I'm told.
I will have adventures I'll be scarred and bold.

flower kisser

the hummingbirds in the nest in our backyard hatched.



the nest is about two inches wide.
the babies both fit comfortably inside.
next time I can I'll try to take a shot of them while the mom's off flying.




a stronger girl would shake this off in flight

I'm a giraffe

I Want To Be Tall

I've been watching too many america's next top model re-runs




they call me skinny bones and a tall drink of water

eating stars VII

I bide my time while biding my tongue.

there's a certain amount of stupidness others can except with certain people. that is the difference between me and who I look up to. they have the least amount of stupidness excepted. I have the most. so they will except me less when I act stupid to do what I do what they do, and will then look down on me as opposed to up at or perhaps equal with. so I feel bad when I act stupid because I fear other's judgments, but degrade there's in hopes that will cause them to accept me, a choice I can never trust.


this is so normal to write but it's the weirdest thing that'll come out of me, and because of this, and paranoia.



GET IT OFF GET IT OFF
by LaLunaLullaby




let's hope a rollie pollie doesn't result from all this.

I have a twin

:)






the girls with the mousy hair

in the tree

Laura Rose and I went to see the Annie Lebowitz exhibit at the Legion of Honor.







I must be dreaming

spring & all

I've been making a lot of fake polariods lately. I've always wanted a real polaroid camera, but I'm not sure if that will happen now; polariod is going to stop manufacturing its instant film. there's a petition here to request that fujifilm get the license to manufacture it instead.









I feel from the outside in

there's a girl

Laura Rose and I went to see The Ditty Bops at the Freight and Salvage on friday. Jesca Hoop played with them, and it was all absolutely amazing. Jesca blew my mind with her wonderful vocals and unique song writing, and Amanda and Abby singing with her made it that much better. their new album is so great, it's a pop up record!
on sunday we rode to the Berkeley campus, ditched our bikes and went spelunking through the culvert to Strawberry Creek park. maybe being knee deep in water flowing through a pitch dark tunnel and wearing crappy shoes and cool headlamps isn't your thing, but I find it marvelous. after biking over to Indian Rock for the first sunset of daylight savings, we topped the day off with green brownies and Firefly. it was a good day.







I bide my time while biting my tongue

romantic

she went from park to park picking flowers to make dandelion wine






that's just the way things used to be

spoiler

how do I hate yearbook? let me count the ways.
you're all passive aggressive self centered egotistical arrogant bitches.

new soul

I got a $40,000 scholarship to California College of the Arts today
I can't put into words how happy I am, so I won't try, I will show you though the medium I know best, the one that got me into one of the best art colleges in california

I'm so happy I could...


smile


jump


spin


dance


laugh


scream


go crazy


fly