sugar and spice

it feels like my life is finally starting over. it will be my life, not someone else's I'm stuck in. one that I chose, one that I want, one that I will thrive in.




she's got everything she needs, she's an artist, she don't look back.

eating stars IX

Emily:
the pterodactyl in gay jurassic park is like my three favortie things combined into one! because jeff goldblum would be in that movie!



Sophie:
now all I want to do is clean my bathroom
two minutes later
ok now I'm hungry and I want to clean my bathroom





"Emily! this is the last time I'm going to see you before we move, and the creepy eyebrow dance lady is going to be my only memory! stop it!" -Sophie

on the verge of tears

polariods

untraditional is the new tradition

and these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations, they're quite aware of what they're going through. don't tell them to grow up and out of it.

eating stars VIII

I saw Pineapple Express the other day at the 4:20 showing, rather stoned. it's the only way to do it. Lev, Anton and I had so many revelations and ideas afterward, but I don't feel like explaining them all right here. that's what I love about being stoned, I'm more interested in having original thoughts and figuring things out. sometimes my conclusions are silly, but a lot of the things I've realized I come back to later and integrate into the way I interpret the world.



"...and then we got some pizza" -Lev

love's such an old fashion word

I love it when you can interpret songs to the point where it feels like they were written about you. I do that a lot, it makes me feel better because the song writers are always much better than I am at explaining myself and my thoughts and feelings.

I just feel like sharing some love and beauty. I could use some and I'm sure you could too. who ever you are.

my hopes and dreams, my past present and future, five photographs.













all you need is love

Julie Marie

pretty much we're twins.

we are going to have the best time together.




I'd take you where nobody knows you and nobody gives a damn

who? the who. the who? yes. what? no, who. what?!

in 1973, my dad was working as an usher at an old concert hall on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, and during The Who concert almost got hit in the head by the neck of Pete Townshend's guitar as he threw it off stage and proceeded to smash the body with the microphone stand. I will never forgive him for not catching it.


Pete Townshend smashes guitar for charity




people try to put us down
just because we get around
the things they do look awful cold
I hope I die before I get old

relief

I sometimes have these dreams where I yell at people, or they upset me. just some kind of bad interaction. when I wake up I'm still upset, because usually whatever happened was somewhat realistic, at least the feelings were. I then feel really bad about what I said and want to apologize to the person, or I feel really mad at someone for doing whatever they did, or feel awkward about what happened and don't want to see them. these of course are are ridiculous things to feel because nothing actually happened. I know that it was just a dream, but many times I dream things I think or fear, and seeing others reactions, not just imagining them in my head (though it is still in my head, I just don't have conscious control over it because it's a dream) really freaks me out. I hate dreaming. I have enough to stress about in my life, I don't need that to carry over into my unconscious.
I guess this time, though, it's a bit of a relief. when I first woke up I thought I felt upset because of something that happened in real life, but then I remembered my dream. I'm still upset, but now I know in a few days I'll forget it.



but what starts as desire can turn into need

that's the way

"it's better to loose someone with the truth than to keep them with a lie"
I saw that in a window from the bus today. I think it's pretty much perfect.

I am wearing the best hat ever. or at least my favorite one right now.

it makes me uncomfortable, or pisses me off, or I don't know maybe I just find it interesting or ironically amusing when people talk about me more with each other than the do with me.

"music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger break down and cry":

Tom Waits makes my soul want to weep. so beautiful, so tragic. so much feeling, and yet full of humor. last friday night when I was with Clare I played her The Train Song. I was running around the kitchen through the whole intro looking for a spoon, but as soon as he started singing I froze in my tracks. I just stood there with my hands over my face almost crying. it was so beautiful, so tragic. when I listen to The Black Rider, I really listen to it, I can't just hear it. every word is processed, and half the time I'm cracking up, and half the time I just want the world to stop so I can sit there and breathe with tears swelling under my eyes.

this was going to be a post filled with all random thoughts and ideas I've been having, but suddenly all of them are about The Black Rider. I think I'll just go with that for the rest of this.

there was a girl who loved a boy, but he was a clerk and her father only wanted her to marry a huntsman. when he went into the woods he couldn't hit a thing, and because he could not prove himself as a hunter the father would not approve. the next time he went into the forrest he met the devil who gave him a handfull of magic bullets which would hit anything he aimed at, even if his eyes were closed. the devil warned him that "some of the bullets are for thee and some for me" but he took him any way. as the wedding day approached the clerk became anxious because there was to be a shooting contest at the ceremony. he went back to the crossroads and asked the devil for one more magic bullet. at the wedding he aimed at a wooden dove but the bullet circled around the crowd and hit the bride, his only love. the clerk went mad and ended up in the insane asylum with the rest of the devil's carnival.

that's the way the stomach rumbles
that's the way the bee bumbles
that's the way the needle pricks
that's the way the glue sticks
that's the way the potato mashes
that's the way the pan flashes
that's the way the market crashes
that's the way the whip lashes
that's the way the teeth knashes
that's the way the gravy stains
that's the way the moon wanes

and when I'm buried in my grave
tell me so I will know
your tears will fall
to make love grow
the briar and the rose

the first one's always free

when it gets too hot for comfot
and you can't get an ice cream cone
t'ain't no sin to take off your skin
and dance around your bones

the more of them magics you use, the more bad days you have without them
so it comes down finally to all your days being bad without the bullets
it's magics or nothing
time to stop chippying around and kidding yourself,
kid, you're hooked, heavy as lead

now when I was a boy
my daddy sat me on his knee
and he told me
he told me many things
and he said son
there's a lot of things in this world
you're gonna have no use for
and when you get blue
and you've lost all your dreams
there's nothin' like a campfire
and a can of beans

but that bonnie lass
and her heart of glass
would not hold a candle
to bumming around
so don't cry for me
for I'm going away
and I'll be back some lucky day




crossroads

golly

these are some fantastic, thoroughly thought out, unbelievably creative cartoons.

now that is an incredible movie that not only pays homage to them, but is an amazing film in and of itself.

very much among my favorite things in life. I highly recommend to the utmost level.




toon killed his brother

eating stars VIII

this is my new friend, Whistle
thanks Lev



I'm finally pieced together, I feel so much like me

pop

five amazing songs you will tell me are bad

Christina Aguilera- Candyman

Avril Lavigne- Girlfriend

Kate Perry- I Kissed A Girl

Kelly Clarkson- Walk Away

Christina Aguilara, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink- Lady Marmalade


you can just sing along and dance and feel girly and sexy, that's what makes them great.




voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir

suede

my family has started to talk in the third person just to piss me off

:P

and what is up with the designers this year and them all being the same?





I kissed a girl and I liked it

drinking stars I

BEST DRUNK EVER

LOVE YOU CLARE


FABULOUS



and we don't care about the young folks talking about the old folks
and we don't care about the old folks talking about the young folks too
and we don't care about the young folks talking about their own folks
all we care about is talking, talking over me and you







this drunk needs more david bowie

rebel rebel

Stuart's here, my lip is pierced, and I can buy my own cigarettes and porn. life is good.







you've got your mother in a whirl
she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl

this blog needs more David Bowie

put on your red shoes and dance the blues

legal

birthday list:
get lip pierced
buy cigarettes

I'd do more but I'm stuck in Chicago and those will be tough enough. well the piercing one.


Chicago is so great, but the people are so funny from an outsider's perspective, especially after coming here every summer since before I can remember. my cousins live in the suburbs, so everything's very dramatic, there isn't much else to entertain them. they're into the show degrassi, legitimately. I used to wonder who in their right mind would actually enjoy shows like that, but now I know it's people who think the drama isn't utterly ridiculous. a lot of them are very, dare I sound uptight, politically incorrect. they always make jokes about "black people" and use the word gay, but not ironically. my other cousins are a little more down to earth, I enjoy staying with them much more. I get along with Clare a lot better, she's really cool. I'm just saying now though, she is the kind of smoker who insists on other people smoking. I told her not to let me smoke while I'm here but I don't think that's going to work out very well. or at all. at least I'll have her to blame for it. PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE.



my absence will remind you of how tough it is to be in love

hold onto your butts

I find it comforting that I still jump and scream during Jurassic Park.

american spirit

I don't want to get addicted to anything. I know that once you do, you're life will never be the same. sure you can over come it, but it will always be there, the thought will never completely leave your mind. being addicted to something is like a want, no, a need that you can never satisfy. I always have to wear chap stick, I put it on and feel better, but inevitably I'll have to put it on again in a few hours or when it wears off. and it's expensive. addiction is expensive. in that way I can't afford to get addicted in any sense. I want to do what I love, but I want to be happy doing it. I know that's not the case for a lot of artists. when we were learning about Annie Lebowitz my teacher mentioned the amount of drugs she had to do to be accepted so she could do what she did. I want to do things like her, but how can I really? by shooting heroin with rock stars and celebrities? I know what will happen to me, but that's the problem with humans, we have to experience and learn things for ourselves before we can actually understand. I don't want that, I know it will make me miserable, but I know that someone like me wouldn't have any resistance. it would ruin my entire life, but am I ok with coming just short of my dreams to maintain my well being? are my morals really that strong? pot is one thing, but I think I'm falling into cigarettes, trying to justify it, but knowing I'm just weak and in denial, because admitting it would mean hating myself. but doesn't that happen with everything? when I was in fifth grade I ran into some mean eighth graders. I was complaining to my parents and asked, why are they like that? they told me that people sometime just get meaner at that age. I said I'd never be mean, and always love my parents. but here I am now, being rude to my mom and not feeling any remorse. a friend's dad mentioned recently that smoking for four years won't kill you, but smoking until you're sixty will. it's true, but is it really that easy? after four years will I really just quit, or come up with some new justification? but maybe I'm being unrealistic, I'll never be truly happy, no one is. there is no set standard of happiness, everyone's idea of it is constantly changing. maybe it seems like settling now, but maybe in the future it won't. maybe there's hope. I just know that it's going to be hard to get there no matter what choices I make. and here I am, back to my original conclusion that there's nothing I can do and I shouldn't worry about it. just enjoy life. and maybe go back to therapy.




walk out of her heart
walk out of her mind

life, I has it

I can't believe how young I am, it's so wonderful, my life is amazing, it's just starting and I've already done so much and I still have so much time left and so many great things to do, I can't wait to see what happens because I know it will be fantastic.






when I was a little bit younger the strain I was under could make me cry
now I’m a little bit older, a little bit bolder, never so shy

sweet home

it's not that I don't like Hawaii, I just love the bay area so much. it's the most beautiful place I've ever been. maybe not to some people, but to me. everything is so personal, I grew up here, so it all has meaning. it's not just some pretty waterfall, it's the memory of bus shadows riding across my living room window nights I couldn't sleep. it's seeing the top of the golden gate peaking out of the lush fog. everything smells comfortable, everything feels right, I fit in with the people. you can have the time of your life, young or old. I can't wait to grow up here. it suits me.



I could never see myself feeling at home anywhere else in the world.

stuck in paradise

we all thought we would be flying home tonight, and getting back in the bay tomorrow around five in the morning. we were twenty four hours off, so now we're stuck here for an extra day. it's not the worst place to be stranded at all, but I was ready to go home and was looking forward to it. this trip has been nice, but I'm definitely ready and prepared for it to close. so to pass the time, I've been going through some of the photos I've taken with my new Nikon D200. here are a few shots to show you what we've been up to.










there's nothing wrong with what she says, it's the way she says it
there's nothing wrong with the way she moves, away from everyone

what's the happy happs?

I got a Nikon D200
I qualified for CSF
I graduated
I got some sweet new pants
I had a very good day and fun night
I am leaving for Hawaii with Celia and Natalie

give me your address and we'll send you a post card! aloha!

same structure

I'm graduating. I've had many thoughts about this concept, I'll never have to see many people ever again, I'll never get to see many people ever again, I'll never have to wake up too early every day and walk to the same building over and over again, but it's just that. I've been doing the same thing since before I can remember, way back to preschool. I've grown and changed and learned things in countless ways, but always within the same structural barriers: weekdays are school, weekends are free, summer is busy, and breaks are used few and far between. everything I've ever learned I've had to figure out within this structure, or by knowingly breaking it and accepting the consequences. now suddenly I won't necessarily be punished for doing something on a school night with being forced to be somewhere the next morning and making my dad stay up late to wait for me when he has work the next day. it's an obvious concept that everyone knows goes along with graduation, but I'd never really thought about it. now that I have I'm a little overwhelmed, but I think in the good way. I think I'm really going to enjoy it, it's what I've been dreaming of breaking free from for a long time. it's weird that it's suddenly only a few days away.




pretend that you're not as great as you're bound to become

we're on a boat

Maria made all the flowers, and helped me with the gardenia for my hair. they were beautiful, I can't thank her enough. she also lent me the necklace I wore.



we took BART, people on the train were very amused. we stopped to talk to an amazing woman on our way, and she actually ended up talking to us for over a half hour. we were last in line, but got there right as they started boarding, so it worked out.


prom was on a boat, which I at first kept forgetting. it was extremely bizarre when it started moving, every time I looked out the window I was shocked to see the world outside the world outside whizzing by. I had to go up to the roof before I could come to terms with the fact that yes, we were on a moving boat.


we were also last in line to get our photo taken, but it turned out perfect. definitely worth paying for, I can't wait to send out copies to my family.


I didn't dance very much, partly because my dress wouldn't allow it, but also because I'm not really into that kind of dancing. I was happy hanging out with my friends and looking out the window at the gorgeous city passing by.


then I slept over Parker's, and then I shaved my head


the end


ps I've started a separate blog for the self portrait project I've embarked upon called fifty two girls. one shot a week for a year, you should check it out.




and all of the people
were charmed and surprised
at how pretty and high and shy she was

buzzed

shaving my head was one of the best experiences of my life. it wasn't pleasant, it was very scary. I had to have my friend Cosmo do it, I almost cried and tried to back out at the last minute. I was afraid that I would find out what I really looked like, and that I wouldn't like it. as soon as I saw myself in the mirror I knew it had been the right thing to do. I knew I was truly beautiful, and I didn't even need hair to show it. it's the perfect way for me to start over, literally and symbolically. our hair is the only thing that stays with us through the months and years, it carries our problems. I need a fresh start.





it's lunacy

I eat men like air

Lady Lazarus is the moleskin notebook of a friend of a friend. it's nice to hear specific stories similar to your own life instead of simply being told, "I know what you're going through," and, "you're not alone, everyone's been there." generalizations don't help.





what use am I as a heap on the floor

why do you let me stay here

I want to take a roll of film of everything: people, places, buildings, animals. when it's done I want to roll it to the beginning and shoot it again, but only of daises. I want to cover everything with a thin layer of green grass and daises.

I always freak out about how much work I have to do whenever I actually have to do work. it always ends up that it's really easy and not nearly as bad as I thought. you'd think after years of school I'd figure that out and stop worrying. no one else seems to stop worrying though, I'm probably just following their example. that sucks, why should I have to worry just because no one else can handle themselves?

I can't sigh and huff. every time I try I end up coughing. I've been noticing how much I sigh and huff. it's a lot; usually at my mom.

on days I feel depressed it's frustrating telling people that. they interchange depression with sadness, and don't understand the key difference between them. people are sad for reasons, depression is unjustified aside from something being wrong with brain chemicals. I don't know, maybe I am just sad and don't know the reason. maybe I'm just a bitch. old habits die hard when you got a sentimental heart.

I don't understand why I can't take photos at the MOMA. well, I did anyway, but from my waist. they actually turned out pretty well, and it's a technique I've never really given any respect. I definitely want to explore that some more. also double exposures. and dyptichs. and composite panoramas. and composite single images.




She & Him are my new favorite band. it's like my dad's songs I grew up with, but my version.

I wonder how much of the stuff I'm paranoid about is actually real. I guess I could never know, because it's impossible to see the truth when you suffer from schizophrenic paranoia. I think I have that sometimes. mildly.

everything my mother says I either already know, or is completely irrelevent and don't care about, or both. she makes me want to scream, smoke a cigarette, and go back to therapy, three things I've been able to live without, and maybe even happily until she started talking to me again. it's not that I want her to stay sick, but the fact is since she's gotten better I've gotten worse. I can't keep starting and ending every day like this.



you really got a hold on me

Serenity now

a movie hasn't made me cry in years.

River is one of my favorite characters of all time. possibly my very favorite.




I am a leaf on the wind. watch me soar.

not as easy as it used to be

three options for the new Indiana Jones movie:
1. make it good- very hard, almost impossible
2. make it bad- very easy, and very likely if option two is attempted
3. make it incredibly and awesomely bad and amazing- DONE

going to the Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull midnight showing at the California was definitely a good decision. everyone was so into it, they all laughed and pointed and groaned at every hilariously ridiculous and shockingly unbelievable part. I couldn't even begin to describe all the amazing things that happened, and if I did you wouldn't believe me, you have to see it for yourself. be prepared to be yelling, "what?! aaaah! what?! what the fuck?!" for almost the entire time. it's that amazingly bad. it makes me just want to smile gigantically and say yessssss.



swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home

add art

I just added this great plugin for firefox called Add-Art which replaces corporate advertisements with art. once I installed it I went to my flickr and instead of some ad for nikon, I saw this:

it made me so happy.



singing songs she's always known

dresses, dates, and other things that start with d

I got a dress. it's from macy's, which is dumb, but it's a really nice dress and it turned out it was on sale, so I'm juiced.

also, Adrian Lee asked me to prom. he did a public proposal last week which was really awesome. him and Moses who was also doing it for his girlfriend set up their amps and drums and sang Island In The Sun by Weezer. I might be a little biased, but I think it was the best one so far, and they should totally win the free tickets.



who am I to blow against the wind?

as a whole

The Con- Tegan and Sara

This is one of my favorite albums right now. I've found that individually I'm not a big fan of about half the songs. I always listen to it as an album though, because together they all work together so well. I think it's amazing that all the songs were written by either Tegan or Sara while they were living in their own home. they didn't communicate about individual songs at all, yet the album fits together incredibly well.

...Until We Felt Red- Kaki King

by listening to this as an album, you get an idea of what Kaki is really capable of, and how much skill and talent she has. she puts so much thought into each note of each song, and it really shows. it's interesting to listen to even though many of the songs are instrumental. You Don't Have To Be Afraid is my favorite song, it shows you how much she can do with just one idea, how creative she can be creating different versions and variations using the same concept.

Fisherman's Woman- Emiliana Torrini

this album is so melancholy. it gives off a very eerie calming vibe. part of what makes it so great is the story behind it. her boyfriend was shot in a tragic accident. afterward she would pretend that he was a fisherman, and she was his wife, always waiting for him by the window, not knowing when he would come home. the title track, Fisherman's Woman, is about that, and is one of the only songs that makes me want to cry each time I hear it.

The Garden State Soundtrack

I listen to this every night to fall asleep. this is another album where I don't like many of the individual songs, but love how they all work together. some of the songs on it that I do like, however, are some of my favorite songs ever.

living in the moment of the girl who left too soon

on a sunny afternoon

I felt summer today. seasons have a really specific feeling to me, and usually one day I'll just feel it. sometimes I wake up and say, I can smell winter. today I felt summer. it's hot, but not just any hot, it's summer heat, and I love it. except for the fact that I'm really hot. and sweaty. I burned the bottoms of my feet again walking bear foot on the pavement. I want to go swimming outside, maybe I'll do that this weekend. I hope it stays hot for a bit.

smile like you mean it.

by mirjan



on a summer evening when the corn's head-high
and there's more lightning bugs than stars in the sky
ah, you get the feeling things may be alright
on a summer evening before the dark of night

hotti with a botti

Whitney has been my favorite since the beginning of america's next top model this year. she is the only plus size model, and also one of the only sane girls int he house. she made it to the top three, which is incredible. no plus size model has ever made it nearly that far. it's sad to see most of the plus size models break down about their bodies, and have to leave because they have no confidence. I'm always thinking no! break the status quo! embrace your curves, you're beautiful! Whitney has stayed strong this whole time, she's never let her body worry her. she really doesn't have to, she's totally hot and has a slammin' bod! we're rooting for you Whitney! beat those skinny crazy bitches, we're ready for a top model with a good head on her shoulders and a little pow to her punch!

(the guy in the photo has a Stuart angry face!)




Nigel: [about Jade] if conceited drag queens are "in", she's got a shot at being America's Next Top Model.

also, I can kill you with my brain

I'm sick. really sick. haven't been sick like this since eighth grade. my fever peaked, hopefully, at about 103. been back and forth between shivering and sweating all day. started to show signs of delusion at one point, something was happening with my hands, I can't describe it, but I tried to cool off enough so that my brain would stop cooking itself. let's hope it stays that way. been watching Firefly. I have to cut myself off because I want to finish it with Laura, and I know if I watch even one more episode I won't be able to resist. she better get back soon, it's soooooooo good. I haven't gotten into a show like this in a long time. I think that a combination of that and Kaki King's ...Until We Felt Red is what's keeping me sane right now.



you give me fever
fever all through the night

dodo demo

every girl wants a boy to write a song about her. well not every girl, but it's generally accepted as a grand romantic thing, something you tells your friends and they all go, "awww." about a year ago, Max wrote a song about me, which he just recorded and put up on his band's myspace. it's not really anything like that sweet cliché stuff though, it's more of an example that I use when I talk about what a jerk he was. after the last time we were really together, he told me was going to write a song for me about it. I wasn't too pleased when I read the lyrics he came up with. first of all the title is "So Much For The Hero." that pretty much describes the whole song. it's all about him, and what a horrible thing we did, and how ashamed he is of me, but how no one should judge him because he's still a good person and it was all my fault anyway. he blames the whole thing on "that look you gave me." Max, if you were willing to compromise what were apparently all of your morals because I gave you one sexy side glance, how much of a hero were you in the first place?
all together the song doesn't really make any sense, even knowing the context it's all over the place, very unfocused, and the musical composition is sketchy. then again, what can you except from a band named Foolsville Heroes? I might be a little bit biased, so if you want to listen to it yourself their myspace is myspace.com/foolsvilleheroes.



"don't have to save me
that look you gave me
worked after all"

it's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it.
look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying. say the first thing again.

lavender moon

be nice to me, I gave blood today.

I didn't pass out this time, but I probably almost did so they wouldn't let me leave for an hour.

and why yes, that is a California College of the Arts shirt I am wearing. that's right, it's official. now people won't make fun of me anymore for dressing like this.

I got my scarf and glasses from fredflare.com this week. I'm pretty excited about it.

not only is everything on the website super rad, but the people there are too. you can ask them to draw you stuff in the special instructions section. they have a bunch of them up on their flickr.

this was my order. I thought it was appropriate considering what I was ordering.




I met a girl who sang the blues

H is for Holy Crap

my favorite illustrator right now is Marc Johns. his work may appear like little doodles, but as I was going through his flickr I kept gasping in amazement with each new image; they are consistently some of the purest concepts, cohesive, and creative ideas I've ever seen. his words:"I generally aim to say as much as possible with as few elements as possible. My work often leans toward humour. Finding the humour in things often leads to finding the truth."











you been messin' with my mind, to waste my time is most unkind
I got better things to do than to play these pointless games with you