Friday, July 11

american spirit

I don't want to get addicted to anything. I know that once you do, you're life will never be the same. sure you can over come it, but it will always be there, the thought will never completely leave your mind. being addicted to something is like a want, no, a need that you can never satisfy. I always have to wear chap stick, I put it on and feel better, but inevitably I'll have to put it on again in a few hours or when it wears off. and it's expensive. addiction is expensive. in that way I can't afford to get addicted in any sense. I want to do what I love, but I want to be happy doing it. I know that's not the case for a lot of artists. when we were learning about Annie Lebowitz my teacher mentioned the amount of drugs she had to do to be accepted so she could do what she did. I want to do things like her, but how can I really? by shooting heroin with rock stars and celebrities? I know what will happen to me, but that's the problem with humans, we have to experience and learn things for ourselves before we can actually understand. I don't want that, I know it will make me miserable, but I know that someone like me wouldn't have any resistance. it would ruin my entire life, but am I ok with coming just short of my dreams to maintain my well being? are my morals really that strong? pot is one thing, but I think I'm falling into cigarettes, trying to justify it, but knowing I'm just weak and in denial, because admitting it would mean hating myself. but doesn't that happen with everything? when I was in fifth grade I ran into some mean eighth graders. I was complaining to my parents and asked, why are they like that? they told me that people sometime just get meaner at that age. I said I'd never be mean, and always love my parents. but here I am now, being rude to my mom and not feeling any remorse. a friend's dad mentioned recently that smoking for four years won't kill you, but smoking until you're sixty will. it's true, but is it really that easy? after four years will I really just quit, or come up with some new justification? but maybe I'm being unrealistic, I'll never be truly happy, no one is. there is no set standard of happiness, everyone's idea of it is constantly changing. maybe it seems like settling now, but maybe in the future it won't. maybe there's hope. I just know that it's going to be hard to get there no matter what choices I make. and here I am, back to my original conclusion that there's nothing I can do and I shouldn't worry about it. just enjoy life. and maybe go back to therapy.

walk out of her heart
walk out of her mind

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