Thursday, December 25


"someone said, 'merry christmas jew' to me.
I told them, happy kwanza whitey."

Tuesday, December 23



we're sitting on a real celebration
thank heavens what a fine situation

Tuesday, December 9

by the way

I have a tattoo

I hope everyone likes it

fuck sacred rose

I'm just a gay jew. a stoned gay jew, in order of importance; depending on how you look at it.

"not only 'back where I come from,' but also 'where do we go from here?'"- Ben Botkin

Sunday, November 23

I like art school

my old homework: math

my new homework: mustaches

mustaches on strings are the finest of things

Saturday, November 22

let's pretend we don't exist

last night I saw Of Montreal. it was incredible. I danced the whole time, and was covered in sweat, very disoriented, and happy as a really really happy thing by the end. while walking out of the ball room, and man came up to me, put his hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said, "thank you for being beautiful." before I could say anything he was gone, and I was speechless, my mouth open in astonishment and my eyes wide in surprise.

Eva, I'm sorry, but you will never have me
to me you're just some faggy girl, and
I need a lover with soul power
and you ain't got no soul power

Wednesday, November 19

devo has rocked for a long long time

sometimes I like to do this to my dollars

I hear there's this color called blue

give me sunshine

Wolf Parade's "I'll Believe In Anything" is one of the most romantic, gushy, corny, cliche love songs I've ever heard. and it's totally bad ass alternative indie punk rock.

Tuesday, November 18

she strikes again!


that one's for you James and Parker.

Tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain

Tuesday, November 11

you break my heart and put it back together again

Joni Mitchell is one of my favorite artsits. she always speaks to me, she's so sincere and genuine. there's no ego, just the truth and honesty. her lyrics are so perfect, general enough for everyone to understand, but specific and so well written that anyone can identify with them. anything from a love of California to feeling awkward and resenting people at a party. I think simplicity is so important, say as much as you can with as few elements as possible, straight forward, and easily accessible, but still subtle. she's so important to me because she can say things I can never even begin to try to articulate so nicely, and I can respect her because I know she's so good at it that many other people like me feel the same. for some people it's important to have faith in something to get them through the bad times, for me, I need some soul reaching and heart touching music and lyrics.

I told you when I met you I was crazy

Tuesday, November 4

I Voted

I voted.

and it was amazing.

and I'm stoned.

good day.

fuckin' yeah

Monday, November 3

sipping iced starlight

eating latkes early is like christmas in july for me

"'I don't care what they say about you in New York, you're cool in Berkeley'" - "a street angel black man on shattuck"- Jason

"I don't know about you, but when I go out, I go out to eat pie." -Julie

facebook: Xixi is free ice cream! (And that election thing too.)

you realize that don't you? we're going to say to our grandkids that the first election we ever voted in we voted in Obama.

oh you beautiful doll

Tuesday, October 28

you're gonna grow up someday to be at least five inches tall

I think I've finally got all my shit together, I've scanned everything and I'm now working on uploading all of it. I've been making so much art, but none of it is digital, which is really nice until I want to share it with people and have a very temperamental and low quality scanner. the band is going great. we've recorded a demo and are going to sell it at our little show in the faculty parking lot on thursday. I was supposed to get my tattoo yesterday, but the artist was sick and had to reschedual, so I got a nap. I haven't been sleeping very much the past month, and it really got to me last weekend. I'm going to stop smoking for the week so I can really get better (I've also been sick for over a month) and so Halloween will be OFF THE HOOK. I don't know what I'm doing yet, but I'm going to be Betty Boop. I saw Mirah and Matt Sheehy a while ago, and Sierra had a few extra tickets to Patti Smith and took me and Laura. it was amazing, she is so incredible, defintely one of the most powerful shows I've ever seen. in november I'm going to see She & Him and Of Montreal, which will also be great. Stuart sent me a postcard yesterday. it's one of his Holga prints, I thought I'd put it up here since he doesn't have a scanner. it's beautiful.

don't worry no no no life will get much easier
don't feel so low low low life will get much easier
real soon

Wednesday, October 15

Twigs and Branches

Dallin, Clare and I started a band called Twigs and Branches. we've all written a few songs (yes, even me!), and Dallin and I played at the Red is Blue open mic last week. the girl running it really liked us and had us play again at the end, and asked us if we'd be interesting in being hired to play more shows. last night I got an email:

"Red Is Blue is having a show tomorrow night. Wednesday October 15th at 10:30
in the Oakland, Campus.

Would you be interested in opening for this band called Twin Crystals along
with Honey Body Moonbee?

Amy told me you guys have a very great sound, would love to have you guys.


we're playing tonight at 10:30 in the B building on the Oakland campus! I'm so excited, I hope you can come.

it's all good she says to me
as we cheers and sip dandelion wine

Monday, October 13

eating stars XI

if I had a racehorse it would be named, Build Me Up I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter-cup.

Friday, October 10

hannah drew me

and made an etching

let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together
I've got some real estate here in my bag

Saturday, October 4

scum of the internet

a while ago, I made a little home video on my digital camera of my sister, Stuart and myself reenacting a raisin bran crunch commercial we thought was funny on tv. I posted it on you tube, for all of us to enjoy, and since then it has gotten over 12,000 views, and tons of comments about how bad it is, and how we are pathetic and have no life. excuse me, you're the one watching stupid you tube home videos and commenting on them.

today, I read this xkcd comic

thank you

a waltonism: excuse me, I don't think you know canvas bags like I know canvas bags

Sunday, September 28

take me down

I've been practicing, maybe you can tell?

I know you think you're the queen of the underground

Tuesday, September 23

of arts and crafts

this is the first print I've ever made myself, I love the darkroom. I just get it. I've done some amazing photo shoots the past few days I can't wait to develop. everyone here is such a great model, willing to do anything for art! I love this place, it makes me feel exceptional. I've made some of the best friends I've ever had, and have been creating art I never thought I could do. I got a job interview with a cafe I applied at, and I'm feeling really good about it. I've been going to lots of concerts, playing lots of music and discovering and bonding over tons of new artists. this place is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I've never felt so content.

we sailed away on a winter's day
with fate as malleable as clay

Monday, September 22


"my dad has a wine cellar"
"I have four different kinds of mustard"
"I could have been a professional pool player, but i decided not to be"
"I have the agility of a tiger, and the reflexes of a kitten."
"my dad made me jam, thanks dad"
"I want to have a party where all I play is Jungle Boogie on repeat for like four hours."

to be continued...

Monday, September 8

rock me

last night I went out into the halls with an accordion and the words to Wagon Wheel and it turned into a giant serenading party, and then jam session outside. I love this place.

the times they are a-changin'

Tuesday, September 2

eating stars X

Keli was just singing along to Lady Marmalade from the Moulin Rouge!

Sunday, August 24

sugar and spice

it feels like my life is finally starting over. it will be my life, not someone else's I'm stuck in. one that I chose, one that I want, one that I will thrive in.

she's got everything she needs, she's an artist, she don't look back.

Thursday, August 21

eating stars IX

the pterodactyl in gay jurassic park is like my three favortie things combined into one! because jeff goldblum would be in that movie!

now all I want to do is clean my bathroom
two minutes later
ok now I'm hungry and I want to clean my bathroom

"Emily! this is the last time I'm going to see you before we move, and the creepy eyebrow dance lady is going to be my only memory! stop it!" -Sophie

Wednesday, August 20

Sunday, August 17

untraditional is the new tradition

and these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations, they're quite aware of what they're going through. don't tell them to grow up and out of it.

Friday, August 15

eating stars VIII

I saw Pineapple Express the other day at the 4:20 showing, rather stoned. it's the only way to do it. Lev, Anton and I had so many revelations and ideas afterward, but I don't feel like explaining them all right here. that's what I love about being stoned, I'm more interested in having original thoughts and figuring things out. sometimes my conclusions are silly, but a lot of the things I've realized I come back to later and integrate into the way I interpret the world.

"...and then we got some pizza" -Lev

love's such an old fashion word

I love it when you can interpret songs to the point where it feels like they were written about you. I do that a lot, it makes me feel better because the song writers are always much better than I am at explaining myself and my thoughts and feelings.

I just feel like sharing some love and beauty. I could use some and I'm sure you could too. who ever you are.

my hopes and dreams, my past present and future, five photographs.

all you need is love

Thursday, August 14

Julie Marie

pretty much we're twins.

we are going to have the best time together.

I'd take you where nobody knows you and nobody gives a damn

Friday, August 8

who? the who. the who? yes. what? no, who. what?!

in 1973, my dad was working as an usher at an old concert hall on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, and during The Who concert almost got hit in the head by the neck of Pete Townshend's guitar as he threw it off stage and proceeded to smash the body with the microphone stand. I will never forgive him for not catching it.

Pete Townshend smashes guitar for charity

people try to put us down
just because we get around
the things they do look awful cold
I hope I die before I get old

Monday, August 4


I sometimes have these dreams where I yell at people, or they upset me. just some kind of bad interaction. when I wake up I'm still upset, because usually whatever happened was somewhat realistic, at least the feelings were. I then feel really bad about what I said and want to apologize to the person, or I feel really mad at someone for doing whatever they did, or feel awkward about what happened and don't want to see them. these of course are are ridiculous things to feel because nothing actually happened. I know that it was just a dream, but many times I dream things I think or fear, and seeing others reactions, not just imagining them in my head (though it is still in my head, I just don't have conscious control over it because it's a dream) really freaks me out. I hate dreaming. I have enough to stress about in my life, I don't need that to carry over into my unconscious.
I guess this time, though, it's a bit of a relief. when I first woke up I thought I felt upset because of something that happened in real life, but then I remembered my dream. I'm still upset, but now I know in a few days I'll forget it.

but what starts as desire can turn into need

that's the way

"it's better to loose someone with the truth than to keep them with a lie"
I saw that in a window from the bus today. I think it's pretty much perfect.

I am wearing the best hat ever. or at least my favorite one right now.

it makes me uncomfortable, or pisses me off, or I don't know maybe I just find it interesting or ironically amusing when people talk about me more with each other than the do with me.

"music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger break down and cry":

Tom Waits makes my soul want to weep. so beautiful, so tragic. so much feeling, and yet full of humor. last friday night when I was with Clare I played her The Train Song. I was running around the kitchen through the whole intro looking for a spoon, but as soon as he started singing I froze in my tracks. I just stood there with my hands over my face almost crying. it was so beautiful, so tragic. when I listen to The Black Rider, I really listen to it, I can't just hear it. every word is processed, and half the time I'm cracking up, and half the time I just want the world to stop so I can sit there and breathe with tears swelling under my eyes.

this was going to be a post filled with all random thoughts and ideas I've been having, but suddenly all of them are about The Black Rider. I think I'll just go with that for the rest of this.

there was a girl who loved a boy, but he was a clerk and her father only wanted her to marry a huntsman. when he went into the woods he couldn't hit a thing, and because he could not prove himself as a hunter the father would not approve. the next time he went into the forrest he met the devil who gave him a handfull of magic bullets which would hit anything he aimed at, even if his eyes were closed. the devil warned him that "some of the bullets are for thee and some for me" but he took him any way. as the wedding day approached the clerk became anxious because there was to be a shooting contest at the ceremony. he went back to the crossroads and asked the devil for one more magic bullet. at the wedding he aimed at a wooden dove but the bullet circled around the crowd and hit the bride, his only love. the clerk went mad and ended up in the insane asylum with the rest of the devil's carnival.

that's the way the stomach rumbles
that's the way the bee bumbles
that's the way the needle pricks
that's the way the glue sticks
that's the way the potato mashes
that's the way the pan flashes
that's the way the market crashes
that's the way the whip lashes
that's the way the teeth knashes
that's the way the gravy stains
that's the way the moon wanes

and when I'm buried in my grave
tell me so I will know
your tears will fall
to make love grow
the briar and the rose

the first one's always free

when it gets too hot for comfot
and you can't get an ice cream cone
t'ain't no sin to take off your skin
and dance around your bones

the more of them magics you use, the more bad days you have without them
so it comes down finally to all your days being bad without the bullets
it's magics or nothing
time to stop chippying around and kidding yourself,
kid, you're hooked, heavy as lead

now when I was a boy
my daddy sat me on his knee
and he told me
he told me many things
and he said son
there's a lot of things in this world
you're gonna have no use for
and when you get blue
and you've lost all your dreams
there's nothin' like a campfire
and a can of beans

but that bonnie lass
and her heart of glass
would not hold a candle
to bumming around
so don't cry for me
for I'm going away
and I'll be back some lucky day


Thursday, July 31


these are some fantastic, thoroughly thought out, unbelievably creative cartoons.

now that is an incredible movie that not only pays homage to them, but is an amazing film in and of itself.

very much among my favorite things in life. I highly recommend to the utmost level.

toon killed his brother

Tuesday, July 29

eating stars VIII

this is my new friend, Whistle
thanks Lev

I'm finally pieced together, I feel so much like me


five amazing songs you will tell me are bad

Christina Aguilera- Candyman

Avril Lavigne- Girlfriend

Kate Perry- I Kissed A Girl

Kelly Clarkson- Walk Away

Christina Aguilara, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink- Lady Marmalade

you can just sing along and dance and feel girly and sexy, that's what makes them great.

voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir

Monday, July 28


my family has started to talk in the third person just to piss me off


and what is up with the designers this year and them all being the same?

I kissed a girl and I liked it

Friday, July 25

drinking stars I




and we don't care about the young folks talking about the old folks
and we don't care about the old folks talking about the young folks too
and we don't care about the young folks talking about their own folks
all we care about is talking, talking over me and you

this drunk needs more david bowie

Wednesday, July 23

rebel rebel

Stuart's here, my lip is pierced, and I can buy my own cigarettes and porn. life is good.

you've got your mother in a whirl
she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl

Sunday, July 20

this blog needs more David Bowie

put on your red shoes and dance the blues

Friday, July 18


birthday list:
get lip pierced
buy cigarettes

I'd do more but I'm stuck in Chicago and those will be tough enough. well the piercing one.

Chicago is so great, but the people are so funny from an outsider's perspective, especially after coming here every summer since before I can remember. my cousins live in the suburbs, so everything's very dramatic, there isn't much else to entertain them. they're into the show degrassi, legitimately. I used to wonder who in their right mind would actually enjoy shows like that, but now I know it's people who think the drama isn't utterly ridiculous. a lot of them are very, dare I sound uptight, politically incorrect. they always make jokes about "black people" and use the word gay, but not ironically. my other cousins are a little more down to earth, I enjoy staying with them much more. I get along with Clare a lot better, she's really cool. I'm just saying now though, she is the kind of smoker who insists on other people smoking. I told her not to let me smoke while I'm here but I don't think that's going to work out very well. or at all. at least I'll have her to blame for it. PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE.

my absence will remind you of how tough it is to be in love

Saturday, July 12

hold onto your butts

I find it comforting that I still jump and scream during Jurassic Park.

Friday, July 11

american spirit

I don't want to get addicted to anything. I know that once you do, you're life will never be the same. sure you can over come it, but it will always be there, the thought will never completely leave your mind. being addicted to something is like a want, no, a need that you can never satisfy. I always have to wear chap stick, I put it on and feel better, but inevitably I'll have to put it on again in a few hours or when it wears off. and it's expensive. addiction is expensive. in that way I can't afford to get addicted in any sense. I want to do what I love, but I want to be happy doing it. I know that's not the case for a lot of artists. when we were learning about Annie Lebowitz my teacher mentioned the amount of drugs she had to do to be accepted so she could do what she did. I want to do things like her, but how can I really? by shooting heroin with rock stars and celebrities? I know what will happen to me, but that's the problem with humans, we have to experience and learn things for ourselves before we can actually understand. I don't want that, I know it will make me miserable, but I know that someone like me wouldn't have any resistance. it would ruin my entire life, but am I ok with coming just short of my dreams to maintain my well being? are my morals really that strong? pot is one thing, but I think I'm falling into cigarettes, trying to justify it, but knowing I'm just weak and in denial, because admitting it would mean hating myself. but doesn't that happen with everything? when I was in fifth grade I ran into some mean eighth graders. I was complaining to my parents and asked, why are they like that? they told me that people sometime just get meaner at that age. I said I'd never be mean, and always love my parents. but here I am now, being rude to my mom and not feeling any remorse. a friend's dad mentioned recently that smoking for four years won't kill you, but smoking until you're sixty will. it's true, but is it really that easy? after four years will I really just quit, or come up with some new justification? but maybe I'm being unrealistic, I'll never be truly happy, no one is. there is no set standard of happiness, everyone's idea of it is constantly changing. maybe it seems like settling now, but maybe in the future it won't. maybe there's hope. I just know that it's going to be hard to get there no matter what choices I make. and here I am, back to my original conclusion that there's nothing I can do and I shouldn't worry about it. just enjoy life. and maybe go back to therapy.

walk out of her heart
walk out of her mind

Tuesday, July 8

life, I has it

I can't believe how young I am, it's so wonderful, my life is amazing, it's just starting and I've already done so much and I still have so much time left and so many great things to do, I can't wait to see what happens because I know it will be fantastic.

when I was a little bit younger the strain I was under could make me cry
now I’m a little bit older, a little bit bolder, never so shy

Wednesday, June 25

sweet home

it's not that I don't like Hawaii, I just love the bay area so much. it's the most beautiful place I've ever been. maybe not to some people, but to me. everything is so personal, I grew up here, so it all has meaning. it's not just some pretty waterfall, it's the memory of bus shadows riding across my living room window nights I couldn't sleep. it's seeing the top of the golden gate peaking out of the lush fog. everything smells comfortable, everything feels right, I fit in with the people. you can have the time of your life, young or old. I can't wait to grow up here. it suits me.

I could never see myself feeling at home anywhere else in the world.

Sunday, June 22

stuck in paradise

we all thought we would be flying home tonight, and getting back in the bay tomorrow around five in the morning. we were twenty four hours off, so now we're stuck here for an extra day. it's not the worst place to be stranded at all, but I was ready to go home and was looking forward to it. this trip has been nice, but I'm definitely ready and prepared for it to close. so to pass the time, I've been going through some of the photos I've taken with my new Nikon D200. here are a few shots to show you what we've been up to.

there's nothing wrong with what she says, it's the way she says it
there's nothing wrong with the way she moves, away from everyone

Sunday, June 15

what's the happy happs?

I got a Nikon D200
I qualified for CSF
I graduated
I got some sweet new pants
I had a very good day and fun night
I am leaving for Hawaii with Celia and Natalie

give me your address and we'll send you a post card! aloha!

Tuesday, June 10

same structure

I'm graduating. I've had many thoughts about this concept, I'll never have to see many people ever again, I'll never get to see many people ever again, I'll never have to wake up too early every day and walk to the same building over and over again, but it's just that. I've been doing the same thing since before I can remember, way back to preschool. I've grown and changed and learned things in countless ways, but always within the same structural barriers: weekdays are school, weekends are free, summer is busy, and breaks are used few and far between. everything I've ever learned I've had to figure out within this structure, or by knowingly breaking it and accepting the consequences. now suddenly I won't necessarily be punished for doing something on a school night with being forced to be somewhere the next morning and making my dad stay up late to wait for me when he has work the next day. it's an obvious concept that everyone knows goes along with graduation, but I'd never really thought about it. now that I have I'm a little overwhelmed, but I think in the good way. I think I'm really going to enjoy it, it's what I've been dreaming of breaking free from for a long time. it's weird that it's suddenly only a few days away.

pretend that you're not as great as you're bound to become

Thursday, June 5

we're on a boat

Maria made all the flowers, and helped me with the gardenia for my hair. they were beautiful, I can't thank her enough. she also lent me the necklace I wore.

we took BART, people on the train were very amused. we stopped to talk to an amazing woman on our way, and she actually ended up talking to us for over a half hour. we were last in line, but got there right as they started boarding, so it worked out.

prom was on a boat, which I at first kept forgetting. it was extremely bizarre when it started moving, every time I looked out the window I was shocked to see the world outside the world outside whizzing by. I had to go up to the roof before I could come to terms with the fact that yes, we were on a moving boat.

we were also last in line to get our photo taken, but it turned out perfect. definitely worth paying for, I can't wait to send out copies to my family.

I didn't dance very much, partly because my dress wouldn't allow it, but also because I'm not really into that kind of dancing. I was happy hanging out with my friends and looking out the window at the gorgeous city passing by.

then I slept over Parker's, and then I shaved my head

the end

ps I've started a separate blog for the self portrait project I've embarked upon called fifty two girls. one shot a week for a year, you should check it out.

and all of the people
were charmed and surprised
at how pretty and high and shy she was