Wednesday, May 28

I eat men like air

Lady Lazarus is the moleskin notebook of a friend of a friend. it's nice to hear specific stories similar to your own life instead of simply being told, "I know what you're going through," and, "you're not alone, everyone's been there." generalizations don't help.

what use am I as a heap on the floor

Tuesday, May 27

why do you let me stay here

I want to take a roll of film of everything: people, places, buildings, animals. when it's done I want to roll it to the beginning and shoot it again, but only of daises. I want to cover everything with a thin layer of green grass and daises.

I always freak out about how much work I have to do whenever I actually have to do work. it always ends up that it's really easy and not nearly as bad as I thought. you'd think after years of school I'd figure that out and stop worrying. no one else seems to stop worrying though, I'm probably just following their example. that sucks, why should I have to worry just because no one else can handle themselves?

I can't sigh and huff. every time I try I end up coughing. I've been noticing how much I sigh and huff. it's a lot; usually at my mom.

on days I feel depressed it's frustrating telling people that. they interchange depression with sadness, and don't understand the key difference between them. people are sad for reasons, depression is unjustified aside from something being wrong with brain chemicals. I don't know, maybe I am just sad and don't know the reason. maybe I'm just a bitch. old habits die hard when you got a sentimental heart.

I don't understand why I can't take photos at the MOMA. well, I did anyway, but from my waist. they actually turned out pretty well, and it's a technique I've never really given any respect. I definitely want to explore that some more. also double exposures. and dyptichs. and composite panoramas. and composite single images.

She & Him are my new favorite band. it's like my dad's songs I grew up with, but my version.

I wonder how much of the stuff I'm paranoid about is actually real. I guess I could never know, because it's impossible to see the truth when you suffer from schizophrenic paranoia. I think I have that sometimes. mildly.

everything my mother says I either already know, or is completely irrelevent and don't care about, or both. she makes me want to scream, smoke a cigarette, and go back to therapy, three things I've been able to live without, and maybe even happily until she started talking to me again. it's not that I want her to stay sick, but the fact is since she's gotten better I've gotten worse. I can't keep starting and ending every day like this.

you really got a hold on me

Friday, May 23

Serenity now

a movie hasn't made me cry in years.

River is one of my favorite characters of all time. possibly my very favorite.

I am a leaf on the wind. watch me soar.

Thursday, May 22

not as easy as it used to be

three options for the new Indiana Jones movie:
1. make it good- very hard, almost impossible
2. make it bad- very easy, and very likely if option two is attempted
3. make it incredibly and awesomely bad and amazing- DONE

going to the Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull midnight showing at the California was definitely a good decision. everyone was so into it, they all laughed and pointed and groaned at every hilariously ridiculous and shockingly unbelievable part. I couldn't even begin to describe all the amazing things that happened, and if I did you wouldn't believe me, you have to see it for yourself. be prepared to be yelling, "what?! aaaah! what?! what the fuck?!" for almost the entire time. it's that amazingly bad. it makes me just want to smile gigantically and say yessssss.

swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home

Tuesday, May 20

add art

I just added this great plugin for firefox called Add-Art which replaces corporate advertisements with art. once I installed it I went to my flickr and instead of some ad for nikon, I saw this:

it made me so happy.

singing songs she's always known

Monday, May 19

dresses, dates, and other things that start with d

I got a dress. it's from macy's, which is dumb, but it's a really nice dress and it turned out it was on sale, so I'm juiced.

also, Adrian Lee asked me to prom. he did a public proposal last week which was really awesome. him and Moses who was also doing it for his girlfriend set up their amps and drums and sang Island In The Sun by Weezer. I might be a little biased, but I think it was the best one so far, and they should totally win the free tickets.

who am I to blow against the wind?

as a whole

The Con- Tegan and Sara
This is one of my favorite albums right now. I've found that individually I'm not a big fan of about half the songs. I always listen to it as an album though, because together they all work together so well. I think it's amazing that all the songs were written by either Tegan or Sara while they were living in their own home. they didn't communicate about individual songs at all, yet the album fits together incredibly well.

...Until We Felt Red- Kaki King
by listening to this as an album, you get an idea of what Kaki is really capable of, and how much skill and talent she has. she puts so much thought into each note of each song, and it really shows. it's interesting to listen to even though many of the songs are instrumental. You Don't Have To Be Afraid is my favorite song, it shows you how much she can do with just one idea, how creative she can be creating different versions and variations using the same concept.

Fisherman's Woman- Emiliana Torrini
this album is so melancholy. it gives off a very eerie calming vibe. part of what makes it so great is the story behind it. her boyfriend was shot in a tragic accident. afterward she would pretend that he was a fisherman, and she was his wife, always waiting for him by the window, not knowing when he would come home. the title track, Fisherman's Woman, is about that, and is one of the only songs that makes me want to cry each time I hear it.

The Garden State Soundtrack
I listen to this every night to fall asleep. this is another album where I don't like many of the individual songs, but love how they all work together. some of the songs on it that I do like, however, are some of my favorite songs ever.

living in the moment of the girl who left too soon

Thursday, May 15

on a sunny afternoon

I felt summer today. seasons have a really specific feeling to me, and usually one day I'll just feel it. sometimes I wake up and say, I can smell winter. today I felt summer. it's hot, but not just any hot, it's summer heat, and I love it. except for the fact that I'm really hot. and sweaty. I burned the bottoms of my feet again walking bear foot on the pavement. I want to go swimming outside, maybe I'll do that this weekend. I hope it stays hot for a bit.

smile like you mean it.

by mirjan

on a summer evening when the corn's head-high
and there's more lightning bugs than stars in the sky
ah, you get the feeling things may be alright
on a summer evening before the dark of night

Wednesday, May 14

hotti with a botti

Whitney has been my favorite since the beginning of america's next top model this year. she is the only plus size model, and also one of the only sane girls int he house. she made it to the top three, which is incredible. no plus size model has ever made it nearly that far. it's sad to see most of the plus size models break down about their bodies, and have to leave because they have no confidence. I'm always thinking no! break the status quo! embrace your curves, you're beautiful! Whitney has stayed strong this whole time, she's never let her body worry her. she really doesn't have to, she's totally hot and has a slammin' bod! we're rooting for you Whitney! beat those skinny crazy bitches, we're ready for a top model with a good head on her shoulders and a little pow to her punch!

(the guy in the photo has a Stuart angry face!)

Nigel: [about Jade] if conceited drag queens are "in", she's got a shot at being America's Next Top Model.

Sunday, May 11

also, I can kill you with my brain

I'm sick. really sick. haven't been sick like this since eighth grade. my fever peaked, hopefully, at about 103. been back and forth between shivering and sweating all day. started to show signs of delusion at one point, something was happening with my hands, I can't describe it, but I tried to cool off enough so that my brain would stop cooking itself. let's hope it stays that way. been watching Firefly. I have to cut myself off because I want to finish it with Laura, and I know if I watch even one more episode I won't be able to resist. she better get back soon, it's soooooooo good. I haven't gotten into a show like this in a long time. I think that a combination of that and Kaki King's ...Until We Felt Red is what's keeping me sane right now.

you give me fever
fever all through the night

Wednesday, May 7

dodo demo

every girl wants a boy to write a song about her. well not every girl, but it's generally accepted as a grand romantic thing, something you tells your friends and they all go, "awww." about a year ago, Max wrote a song about me, which he just recorded and put up on his band's myspace. it's not really anything like that sweet cliché stuff though, it's more of an example that I use when I talk about what a jerk he was. after the last time we were really together, he told me was going to write a song for me about it. I wasn't too pleased when I read the lyrics he came up with. first of all the title is "So Much For The Hero." that pretty much describes the whole song. it's all about him, and what a horrible thing we did, and how ashamed he is of me, but how no one should judge him because he's still a good person and it was all my fault anyway. he blames the whole thing on "that look you gave me." Max, if you were willing to compromise what were apparently all of your morals because I gave you one sexy side glance, how much of a hero were you in the first place?
all together the song doesn't really make any sense, even knowing the context it's all over the place, very unfocused, and the musical composition is sketchy. then again, what can you except from a band named Foolsville Heroes? I might be a little bit biased, so if you want to listen to it yourself their myspace is

"don't have to save me
that look you gave me
worked after all"

it's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it.

look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying. say the first thing again.

Friday, May 2

lavender moon

be nice to me, I gave blood today.

I didn't pass out this time, but I probably almost did so they wouldn't let me leave for an hour.

and why yes, that is a California College of the Arts shirt I am wearing. that's right, it's official. now people won't make fun of me anymore for dressing like this.

I got my scarf and glasses from this week. I'm pretty excited about it.

not only is everything on the website super rad, but the people there are too. you can ask them to draw you stuff in the special instructions section. they have a bunch of them up on their flickr.

this was my order. I thought it was appropriate considering what I was ordering.

I met a girl who sang the blues