Tuesday, January 29

wish list

1. polaroid camera
2. giant spandex squid

by roidrage

sometimes southern california wants to be western new york

Monday, January 28

I wear my sunglasses at night

some girls like shoes
some girls like bags
I like sunglasses

they will be mine. oh yes, they will be mine.

fredflare.com is my new favorite website

qu'est ce que le point?

Sunday, January 27


I wish they had it in red
but Celia said it's better to match your eyes than hair

Frederick's Of Hollywood: for the best prom night ever.


James: isn't it interesting that No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood are the two front runners for the oscar and they both have virtually the same setting.
Praker: not if you re-cut one and tint it blue and put little wavy lines at the top of the screen. then it'd be underwater. toooootally different.

There Will Be Blood. definitely more entertaining than winter ball. especially with James and Praker.

one night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.

Thursday, January 24


"groin vaults and rib vaults are the same thing," complained the slut; she always cried to the wrong people.

Sunday, January 20

two parts

part I:

really just trying to hone in on cohesiveness. if anything is confusing, even just at first, I want to rework it so everything is super clear.

Two years ago, my mom went missing.
She accidentally stopped taking her antidepressants due to a pharmacy mix up, which altered her brain chemistry so much that one day she just left the house. It was raining, and she didn't even have any shoes on. I was the last to see her. She was heading for the door, but I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I didn’t even know she was depressed; the first time I heard about it was when my dad was explaining the situation to a police officer a few hours later.
The support we received from the community was amazing. I was surprised by how much strangers could care about someone they didn’t even know, and also by how much their help meant to me. Kids at my school hung up fliers all over the area, members of our synagogue helped us phone all the local hospitals, and our friends made sure we were able to eat, sleep, and keep functioning. My teachers even let me take my finals late.
My mom came back. She was cold, confused, and crying. It was hard lying on the bed with her, waiting for an ambulance. She had always been the one who told me that everything was going to be okay, but this time I was the one who had to tell her. Since then, I've focused much more on living my life and less on just getting through it. My grades dropped, yet I cared more about what I was learning. I used to fight with my younger sister all the time, but we became much closer, and I now consider her one of my best friends. I took up photography, and haven't put my camera down since. I think it’s amazing that I can capture an entire idea and emotion in a single image. I feel a need to document every moment and capture every feeling so I can always look back. I never know if something is going to change forever tomorrow. Maybe that change will be for the better, but I still want to remember how I got there.

part II:

yesterday I woke up with a stuffed up nose, that throughout the day turned into horrible sinus pain, mostly on the right side of my face. Mary says it's because a storm's coming, and the barometer is changing. I've been taking benadryl, which has kept my face from exploding, but made me extremely drowsy. I've had two weird dreams, I don't remember either very well, but they both were very vivid and very different.
the first was last night. it was something to do with Max. I don't remember exactly what happened, but it had something to do with me trying to mend something, him being horrible, and me getting very upset about it. he then got very angry at me for getting so upset, and made me feel even worse, like I should regret my reaction. since this is pretty much what has been happening for a year and a half, I woke up believing it, and felt like I should call him to apologize. it was frustrating because a) it wasn't real, and the reason I hate dreams is because they make me get upset about stuff that didn't even happen and b) even if it was real, it means that he still has this weird power over me. I don't understand it. I haven't talked to him in over a month, and I don't expect to talk to him any time soon. I wouldn't be surprised if I never heard from him again. so why does someone who's done so many horrible things to me still make me feel like shit, even in dreams?
I woke up at ten, but was still so tired I took a nap at noon for a few hours. the second dream was much better. it was summer, and wonderful. I can't remember much about it, but I know I was happy. we had graduated, I was going to college, it was sunny and I was light and free. again, I woke up believing it, and was very sad when I remembered it's the middle of winter. one part of it does bother me though. again, I can't remember exactly what it was, but know two of my friends were going to go do something, and since I had nothing to do but was up for an adventure as always, I wanted to be invited along. I felt horrible that they hadn't asked me, and I ended up tagging along myself, always trailing behind and feeling like some annoying little kid you couldn't get rid of. this ties into the Max thing. ever since that whole ordeal started, I haven't been able to trust people. I'm always paranoid that if I'm the one who initiates plans or always talks first it means that they would have never had anything to do with me in the first place, and don't actually want anything to do with me, they just don't want to hurt my feelings. I only feel truly comfortable with a few people, and I was friends with them before I met Max. it kills me that I can't make any new friends comfortably. I'm afraid to feel very close with anyone because I'm worried that they don't feel the same way. I try to hide it and try to accept that people really can like me, but in the end my paranoia and self consciousness almost always drives me to over think everything and break down. I like the terms first thoughts and second thoughts. first thoughts are like you're emotional side, the side you hear first and jump to identify with. second thoughts are your more reasonable side, but are harder to accept. my first thoughts tell me that no one really likes me, they all just feel sorry for me and are hoping that this annoying little girl will stop bugging them soon. my second thoughts say, no, you're a wonderful person, and those people hang out with you because of that, not because they don't want to hurt your feelings. which makes sense, I don't hang out with people who annoy me or I feel sorry for. but my first thoughts keep saying that everyone else does, that's why those people you don't like have other friends. it's a horrible cycle, and no matter what I do I can never seem to break it.

oops, that was really long. um... yeah... I'm just going to take another benadryl and go to bed.

I wish I was a free man in Paris

Saturday, January 19

500 words or less

a start to my personal essay for SVA and CCA.

Almost exactly two years ago, my mom went missing. She accidentally stopped taking her antidepressants after a pharmacy mix up, which messed with her brain chemistry so much that she just left the house one day. It was raining, and she didn't even have any shoes on. I was the last to see her. Not only did I not know something was wrong right then, I hadn't known anything was wrong before that. I had no idea she was depressed until my dad was explaining it to the police officer at our house a few hours later. The support we received from the community was amazing. Not only friends were offering their help, but people we barely even knew. Kids at my school hung up fliers all over the bay, members of our synagogue helped us phone all the hospitals, and our friends made sure we ate, slept, and just were able to keep functioning. My teachers even let me take all my finals late since this was all happening the last week of the semester. My mom came back. She was cold, dirty, and crying. All I could think about lying on the bed with her waiting for the ambulance was the time she fainted in the shower when I was very young. Except this time, she wasn't the one saying everything was going to be ok, I was. I can't describe what happened to me after that. It's not something I can put in words, because I don't even know what it is. All I know is ever since then, I've focused so much more on living my life, and less on just getting through it. My grades dropped, yet it seemed like I cared more about what I was learning. I took up photography soon after that, and haven't put my camera down since. I feel this need to document every moment and every feeling, because who knows if something is going to change it forever tomorrow. Maybe that change will be for the good, but I still want to remember how I got there.

some questions I would have are:
any grammar issues?
what should I expand on or add?
is it cohesive, linear, and generally understandable?
is this a good topic, or should I wright about something else?

California, here I come. right back where I started from.

deja vu much?

I've been taking screen shots for my portfolio, because apparently this is the kind of thing you put in a portfolio...

Thursday, January 17

today I took my photo


I broke my sunglasses

Wednesday, January 16

this one time in delaware

I sent some postcards.

I called Stuart for his address, and talked to him for a bit after I wrote it down, and forgot to write in the rest. someone at the post office was kind enough to look it up and fill it in for me, though they seemed slightly resentful in the note they left...


Tuesday, January 15

eating stars: a reflection

sometimes I feel like I get high just so I can appreciate being sober.

soil, soil

oh and I'm feeling directionless yes
but that's to be expected
and I know that best

Sunday, January 13

window shopping

a sweet story:
the girls I babysit just got a new kitten. when I was leaving the other night, I was talking about how cute the cat is with their mom. she told me that since Hannah's birthday is a few days before Christmas, they went down to the Macy's in San Francisco and went window shopping for a new kitten. the SPCA put kittens and puppies in the front windows for people to adopt, and over 2oo animals found homes this way.

it's the truth, it's actual, everything is going to be satisfactual.

Wednesday, January 9


after the field trip to the Legion of Honor my ap art history class went on yesterday, James, Parker and I got permission to stay behind in San Francisco. this is what happened when we took a trek down to find the beach:

San Francisco is the best

Tuesday, January 8

the smile list

in honor of my inspirational day, some things to be happy about when the bad things get me down:

1. I had an amazing day in San Francisco at the Legion of Honor. Parker, James and I stayed behind and went on an absolutely beautiful and awe inspiring hike down to the beach.

2. I'm going to Hawaii with Celia and Natalie this summer as a three way graduation present!

3. I had some pretty fun nights over the break feasting on stars with some really great people

4. I don't have to stress about college applications anymore

5. my photos from over break turned out well

6. the album Stay Awake: Various Interpretations of Music from Vintage Disney Films is fucking brilliant and makes me so happy

7. I finally have my senior quote!

8. dancing and singing and playing guitar when no one can see or hear me is super fun

9. I have a pretty pedicure

10. my dad wants me to have a computer at college, so he's going to get me an Apple laptop before I leave

there, now I have ten whole things to smile about when shit happens (which it will).

apparently I used to go to beaches like the one I went to today all the time when I was little.

Monday, January 7

last words

senior quote ideas:

it's business time
inspired by Flight of the Conchords

let me tell you about my boat
inspired by The Life Aquatic

stay awake
inspired by the song from Mary Poppins/the title of one of my favorite albums/advice about life

"I believe that humans and fish can coexist peacefully together."
George W. Bush Jr.

thoughts? thanks.

are stars really bright, or is everything else just dark?

Sunday, January 6

eating stars V

I might have just realized and thought of a cure for world hunger, but even if i did I can't remember anything I was just saying.

eating stars IV.V: thaaaaaank yooooooou!

Friday, January 4

angst is justifed

people tell you it's hard no matter what you do. one of my new year resolutions was to complain less, so obviously complaining about how hard you have it when everyone has it hard as well would be something I'd try to avoid. I'd just like to point something out though. my boss complains about how she works 16 hours a day almost everyday. my teachers complain about how hard it is to deal with students and grade papers and create lesson plans. my older friends complain about how hard college is and how much homework they have. I respect all these people, and even love some of them; I can't imagine doing what they do at this point in my life. the thing is though, one of the reasons I couldn't imagine it is because I'm still in fucking high school, and I don't have a choice about anything. all those people have chosen to take that path, knew what they were getting themselves into, are at least remotely interested in what they're doing, and if they really wanted to, could stop any time and do something else. I don't have that option. I either have to stay here, or drop out and lose everything. everyone else I know could just get another job, or go to a different school, but people won't even look at you without a high school diploma. so yes, of course I'll stay in school, of course I'll graduate, just don't tell me how much harder you have it, because at least you have a choice in the matter.

so apparently it's bitch week...

Thursday, January 3

fuck you, Tyra

today I had three maybes in terms of what I was going to do and who I was going to do it with, yet somehow I still ended up watching america's next top model re-runs. I'm not ashamed to admit I like the show, I only watch the re-runs so I can do it on my own time, I fast forward through the commercials and the stupid girl drama, and what I'm really interested in is the art direction of the photography and all the amazing photographers from around the world. no matter what though, I'd still rather be hanging out with my friends. the sucky thing is though, since it took so long to figure out that two of the people couldn't do anything after all, it was too late to get together with the third. that's like, my biggest pet peeve. it's why Max and I broke up, he was afraid to hurt my feelings, so instead of saying anything, he just silently let it get worse and worse. that's an extreme example, but back to today, if people had just told me, "actually, I don't think I'm going to be up to doing anything today," or, "sorry, turns out I'm busy" it wouldn't have been that big a deal. but instead they say maybe, or nothing at all, and by the time I find all that out, everyone else has already made other plans and told me, "sorry, maybe if you asked earlier." well you know what, I would have asked earlier, but someone else had given me a maybe, and I didn't just want to ditch them in case it turned into a yes. but recently, there have only been no's. I try to plan ahead, and no one knows until the last minute; I try to do things at the last minute, and everyone has something already planned. and people ask me why I'm so anti-social...
sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant. no, a really really big rant. if you can't tell, I'm having a really shitty day.
putting aside the fact that I can't stand my parents and they are the main reason for my shitty day, I would just like to mention that they watch top model with me. I hate it that they watch tv with me, but I can't tell them to leave because then they'd get all mad at me. so since I can't get them to leave, I just kind of laugh at the fact that most of the tv they watch is what I watch, which means Flight of the Conchords, Even Stevens, Scrubs, Project Runway, and yes, america's next top model re-runs. my dad will leave randomly to do more important things (which is really anything else...), but when he comes back, asks about girls by name. he occasionally guesses who's going to win, but usually likes to call who's going to be out each week. for me, the fact that he refers to them all by their names though, is fucking hilarious. whenever I accuse him of liking it as much as me he gets all defensive. today he said, "just don't tell my friends I know about america's next top model. I can deal with watching project runway, but I don't want anyone to hear about me and antm." (he thinks since Tim Goodman from the Chronicle likes project runway, it's ok). we both do agree on one thing, and share the passion for hating Tyra Banks, but that's a whole other post. as much as my dad annoys me sometimes, he can also amuse me just as much.

it's raining...

Wednesday, January 2

eating stars IV

so at cafeina, we have these blueberry muffins. we make a batch or two everyday, and it's almost always guaranteed that they will sell out. when they don't, they're always the first day olds to go the next morning, and even then some people are still sticking to the fresh ones. I'm not a big muffin person. I don't really choose them unless they're the chocolate kind, and that's more like cake. but recently I've been ending up with some of these muffins for myself, and have been eating them. they are absolutely fabulous. they have just the perfect amount of blueberries in them, and then aren't too squishy, nice and crunchy. they aren't giant, but they are filling and fabulous. plus the ingredients are organic, and the are made with love, and a hell of a lot of bakingskill. they are wonderful, and also happen the be the healthiest and cheapest pastry. I can't wait to have one right now.

how far out are you man
i'm pretty far out
that's pretty far out man