Sunday, January 20

two parts

part I:

really just trying to hone in on cohesiveness. if anything is confusing, even just at first, I want to rework it so everything is super clear.

Two years ago, my mom went missing.
She accidentally stopped taking her antidepressants due to a pharmacy mix up, which altered her brain chemistry so much that one day she just left the house. It was raining, and she didn't even have any shoes on. I was the last to see her. She was heading for the door, but I didn’t realize anything was wrong. I didn’t even know she was depressed; the first time I heard about it was when my dad was explaining the situation to a police officer a few hours later.
The support we received from the community was amazing. I was surprised by how much strangers could care about someone they didn’t even know, and also by how much their help meant to me. Kids at my school hung up fliers all over the area, members of our synagogue helped us phone all the local hospitals, and our friends made sure we were able to eat, sleep, and keep functioning. My teachers even let me take my finals late.
My mom came back. She was cold, confused, and crying. It was hard lying on the bed with her, waiting for an ambulance. She had always been the one who told me that everything was going to be okay, but this time I was the one who had to tell her. Since then, I've focused much more on living my life and less on just getting through it. My grades dropped, yet I cared more about what I was learning. I used to fight with my younger sister all the time, but we became much closer, and I now consider her one of my best friends. I took up photography, and haven't put my camera down since. I think it’s amazing that I can capture an entire idea and emotion in a single image. I feel a need to document every moment and capture every feeling so I can always look back. I never know if something is going to change forever tomorrow. Maybe that change will be for the better, but I still want to remember how I got there.

part II:

yesterday I woke up with a stuffed up nose, that throughout the day turned into horrible sinus pain, mostly on the right side of my face. Mary says it's because a storm's coming, and the barometer is changing. I've been taking benadryl, which has kept my face from exploding, but made me extremely drowsy. I've had two weird dreams, I don't remember either very well, but they both were very vivid and very different.
the first was last night. it was something to do with Max. I don't remember exactly what happened, but it had something to do with me trying to mend something, him being horrible, and me getting very upset about it. he then got very angry at me for getting so upset, and made me feel even worse, like I should regret my reaction. since this is pretty much what has been happening for a year and a half, I woke up believing it, and felt like I should call him to apologize. it was frustrating because a) it wasn't real, and the reason I hate dreams is because they make me get upset about stuff that didn't even happen and b) even if it was real, it means that he still has this weird power over me. I don't understand it. I haven't talked to him in over a month, and I don't expect to talk to him any time soon. I wouldn't be surprised if I never heard from him again. so why does someone who's done so many horrible things to me still make me feel like shit, even in dreams?
I woke up at ten, but was still so tired I took a nap at noon for a few hours. the second dream was much better. it was summer, and wonderful. I can't remember much about it, but I know I was happy. we had graduated, I was going to college, it was sunny and I was light and free. again, I woke up believing it, and was very sad when I remembered it's the middle of winter. one part of it does bother me though. again, I can't remember exactly what it was, but know two of my friends were going to go do something, and since I had nothing to do but was up for an adventure as always, I wanted to be invited along. I felt horrible that they hadn't asked me, and I ended up tagging along myself, always trailing behind and feeling like some annoying little kid you couldn't get rid of. this ties into the Max thing. ever since that whole ordeal started, I haven't been able to trust people. I'm always paranoid that if I'm the one who initiates plans or always talks first it means that they would have never had anything to do with me in the first place, and don't actually want anything to do with me, they just don't want to hurt my feelings. I only feel truly comfortable with a few people, and I was friends with them before I met Max. it kills me that I can't make any new friends comfortably. I'm afraid to feel very close with anyone because I'm worried that they don't feel the same way. I try to hide it and try to accept that people really can like me, but in the end my paranoia and self consciousness almost always drives me to over think everything and break down. I like the terms first thoughts and second thoughts. first thoughts are like you're emotional side, the side you hear first and jump to identify with. second thoughts are your more reasonable side, but are harder to accept. my first thoughts tell me that no one really likes me, they all just feel sorry for me and are hoping that this annoying little girl will stop bugging them soon. my second thoughts say, no, you're a wonderful person, and those people hang out with you because of that, not because they don't want to hurt your feelings. which makes sense, I don't hang out with people who annoy me or I feel sorry for. but my first thoughts keep saying that everyone else does, that's why those people you don't like have other friends. it's a horrible cycle, and no matter what I do I can never seem to break it.

oops, that was really long. um... yeah... I'm just going to take another benadryl and go to bed.

I wish I was a free man in Paris

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