Wednesday, December 26

very very late spring cleaning

I believe the last time my room was this clean was around October of 2006. the last time it resembled clean was probably sometime during the summer. I've been depressed on and off for the last few months, but luckily, I can control it to an extent. I have techniques to force myself into doing homework, or going to work, but whenever my parents tell me to clean my room, I want to scream, "look, I'll get out of bed, I'll go to school, but for the love of god, just let me fulfill my depression in some way and don't make me clean my room." before today I had put away clothes once or twice since summer, they were all covering the pull out bed from when Celia slept over a month ago, and I had to regularly dig a path in the shit on the floor to my bed. at first the mess made me anxious, but then it started to become familiar and comforting, so I just told myself I'd clean it when I got a real boyfriend, because before then I didn't think I'd care what anyone else thought of it being so disgusting. recently though it was scaring me that I could force or trick myself into doing anything but clean my room. not only did I not see a point to putting anything away, I was actually afraid to. I was curled up crying on my bed when I decided that only pathetic whores don't clean their rooms because they're depressed, so I called my sister down to make me. I've been cleaning for five hours, and I can officially roll around on the floor six times long and four times wide.
I would like to take this time to dedicate my clean room to my little sister, Eliza. she's always been there for me when I'm depressed and need someone to make me do normal things like get out of bed.


I am a vampire I am a vampire

2 comments:

Parker said...

why were you curled up crying on your bed?!

Jacquelyn Nan said...

because it was so pathetic that I was afraid to clean. other reasons too, but for public blog purposes, the mess.