Sunday, December 30

wrote a poem for a friend

Goodbye- For a Friend
By Jackie Stuber

I thought things were going great
But I was wrong
I didn’t understand what I had done
We were climbing a mountain
And I was on the verge of tears
I didn’t have any control
I couldn’t breath
That doesn’t happen to me
It’s not supposed to
But it did
I was so scared
I just broke
My limbs got heavy
I couldn’t stand
I tried and fell
And nobody helped me
I was abandoned
But the worst part was
I didn’t even feel it
At all
I was completely oblivious
My nose was running
My eyes were streaming
I wasn’t there any more
I was in a world full of despair
Nothing was good
I wanted to talk
I wanted to go home
But I couldn’t
I thought the most horrible things
And I didn’t even think of trying to stop
I liked the pain it brought
I wanted more
I deserved it
It was just disgusting
I wasn’t going to stop
I was just rocking back and fourth, crying, never stopping
Everyone saw me
But I didn’t know until later
They helped me down
But I didn’t know
Then they left me alone
All alone
And I started to feel again
But it still hurts
I’m not sure I’ll ever let it go

I wrote this a long time ago for a friend, though these aren't my words, they're hers. I took a conversation we had online and strung the lines together. I couldn't help it, what she was saying was just amazingly powerful and poetic. we used to be such good friends. she came camping with my family and would sing in the most beautiful voice while I played guitar. after this happened to her she changed so much. she started to always have panic attacks. the first time it happened with me was because I showed her this poem. she'd start shaking and crying and wouldn't be able to breathe. I knew I was one of the only people around who could help, and I wanted to desperately, but often times they wouldn't let me. every week there were more and more scars on her arms. she wouldn't tell anyone what she used to make them. eventually they asked her to leave the program because she was too much of a hassle for them. we haven't seen each other since, and it's been almost two years now. I have no idea what happened to her. I just wish I knew she was ok.
I haven't thought about this in a very long time. last night a friend asked me, "have you ever been with someone while they cut themselves" and I said no. a few seconds later I realized how incredibly wrong that was, yes, yes I have. I couldn't understand how I could forget all this, even for a second, when I realized I hadn't thought about it for probably over a year. I guess I had completely blocked it out. I never quite understood the psychology of blocking out bad memories because I don't easily forget traumatic things. they live with me, and are part of why I am who I am. I felt horrible. this isn't an experience I never want to forget, no matter how horrible it was. for both of us.

my room is getting messy again

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